The High School Food Chain
Welcome back to another episode of “The High School Food Chain.” Last week we looked at the clique phenomenon, a unique sub-category of the herd involving femme popularum, yet far more exclusive and dangerous.
Today we we will be following three High School subspecies of organism throughout exam week, a biannual occurrence, in which the organisms are brought together to be tested and tried, compared against each other, and marked based on their progress throughout the half year. This event affects the different subspecies in many different ways, a fascinating example of the dangerous and unpredictable world of the high school food chain.
First, the preparation. In the culminating weeks preceding the exams, each subspecies prepares differently. The nerdus calcularus is by far the most prepared, sacrificing social status for academic achievement. Relying primarily on stealth to survive, the nerdus calcularus float throughout the food chain, hoping to get by the high school stage with little confrontation.
“I wish we didn’t have to eat lunch in between the trash cans every day.”
“According to my calculations, this location is the least likely for any type of social confrontation!”
For the majority of the food chain, namely the studentus beeminus, academic preparation is limited. Over the years, many of these studentus beeminus have devolved, their brain stems cloaked by a veil of procrastination and immediate gratification. As the exams approach, however, an exponentially increasing buzz of stress descends upon the inactive organisms. This stress rarely motivates the studentus beeminus to prepare for the approaching exams, but mostly “forces” the studentus beeminus to resort to drastic measures.
“Man, these exams, I haven’t studied and its tomorrow!”
“Yeah, I’m just gonna pop open a few red bulls and pull an all nighter.”
This drastic, last minute measure sacrifices sleep for perceived academic gain, a move that usually backfires in the ensuing days. Combined with the intake of semi-toxic fluid, these poor decisions usually lead to a lower test score, forever trapping the studentus beeminus in their slightly above average cycle.
Finally, we will take a look at the femme popularum, and jockus abdohavus: the heads of the food chain. Preparation, too, is limited, but in an aesthetic attempt to retain their indifferent attitudes, these organisms will not be stressed. The femme popularum, a brilliant display of plumage and ignorance, rely on their attractiveness and perceived mating capabilities to ensure success, rather than their performance on exams. Similarly, the jockus abdohavus will use fear and intimidation to make up for his inability to perform satisfactorily on the exams. Perhaps he will intimidate the nerdus calcularus into working for him, a defining example of mutualism, a relationship in which knowledge is traded for social prowess and protection.
Similarly to the femme popularum, the jockus abdohavus rarely relies on his academic fortitude to assure his success past the high school habitat, instead focusing on physical abilities. Athletics, a form of competition between the jockus abdohavus, decide their social ranking (for example, how the femme popularum choose their mates), and which habitat they will move onto after high school.
Thank you for joining me on this short segment of: “The High School Food Chain” Tune in next week for a special segment on Prom, an annual and traditional ritual involving crude forms of dancing that mature organisms in the high school habitat participate in.
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